Beyond Behaviors: Greg Comings on Listening to What Your Child Is Really Saying

Michigan, US, 18th September 2025, ZEX PR WIRE, Every parent faces moments when their child’s actions leave them puzzled, meltdowns before school, slammed doors, or sudden silence over dinner. While it can be tempting to focus on stopping the behavior, Greg Comings, a licensed child psychologist, encourages parents to pause and consider: What if these moments are really signals, not just missteps? Looking deeper can reveal important clues about your child’s feelings and needs, opening doors to stronger connection and understanding.According to licensed child psychologist Greg Comings, every action a child takes has a story behind it. For over 15 years, he has helped families shift their perspective from managing misbehavior to understanding the needs driving it. By uncovering the “why,” parents can move beyond a cycle of conflict and build a more compassionate, effective, and connected relationship with their children.

“Behavior is communication,” Greg Comings explains. “A child who is acting out isn’t trying to be ‘bad.’ They are often communicating a feeling they don’t have the words for, like ‘I’m overwhelmed,’ ‘I feel disconnected,’ or ‘I don’t feel safe.’” This shift in mindset is the first step toward transforming the parent-child dynamic from one of control to one of connection.

The Problem with a Behavior-First Approach

Focusing solely on correcting a child’s behavior can feel like playing a constant game of whack-a-mole. You address one issue, and another one pops up. This approach often fails to resolve the root cause, leading to exhaustion for parents and leaving children feeling misunderstood. When a child’s actions are met only with discipline or frustration, they may learn to suppress their feelings, but the underlying need remains unmet.

“When we jump straight to consequences, we miss a critical opportunity to teach,” says Comings. “We inadvertently send the message that their feelings are the problem, rather than the way they’re expressing them.” This can create a wedge between parent and child, making it harder for the child to come to you with problems in the future. The real goal isn’t just to stop a tantrum; it’s to teach a child how to handle big emotions in a healthier way.

Understanding the “why” allows parents to respond with empathy and guidance instead of immediate punishment. This doesn’t mean there are no consequences for poor choices. It means that the response is rooted in teaching and connection, not just correction.

How to Get Curious and Find the “Why”

Becoming a behavioral detective for your own child requires patience and practice. It starts with pausing before you react and asking yourself a few key questions. Greg Comings suggests parents get curious about the context surrounding the behavior.

Look for Patterns and Triggers

Is the difficult behavior happening at a specific time of day? Is it right before bed when your child is tired, or during transitions between activities? Children, especially younger ones, thrive on predictability and can become dysregulated when routines are disrupted.

“Think like a scientist gathering data,” Comings advises. “Does your child melt down after a long day at school? Maybe they are overstimulated. Do they get defiant when asked to do homework? Perhaps they feel insecure about the material.” Noting these patterns can provide valuable clues about what your child is experiencing internally.

Consider Their Developmental Stage

A toddler grabbing a toy from another child is not malicious; they are learning about possession and have limited impulse control. A teenager pushing back on rules isn’t just being defiant; they are navigating the natural and necessary process of forming their own identity.

Understanding what is developmentally appropriate can help you frame their behavior in a more accurate light. It allows you to set realistic expectations and respond with guidance that matches their cognitive and emotional abilities.

Ask Open-Ended Questions

Instead of asking, “Why did you do that?”, a question that often puts kids on the defensive, try a gentler approach. Use observations to open up a conversation.

Comings suggests phrases like:

• “I noticed you got really quiet when we started talking about the party. What’s on your mind?”

• “You seem to have a lot of energy right now. What does your body feel like doing?”

• “That was a big reaction. It looked like you were feeling angry. Is that right?”

This technique, which helps children label their feelings, is a core component of building emotional intelligence. When a child can name what they are feeling, it becomes less overwhelming and easier to manage.

Building Connection Through Evidence-Based Practices

Greg Comings utilizes several evidence-based therapeutic methods in his practice that parents can adapt for use at home. These strategies are designed to strengthen the parent-child bond and give children the tools to manage their emotions effectively.

The Power of Play Therapy

For younger children, play is their most natural form of communication. It’s how they process their world, work through anxieties, and express feelings they can’t verbalize. Parents don’t need to be therapists to use the principles of play at home.

“Set aside 15-20 minutes of dedicated, child-led playtime,” Greg Comings recommends. “Put your phone away, sit on the floor, and let your child direct the activity. This simple act sends a powerful message: ‘You are important to me, and I want to be in your world.’” During this time, you can observe the themes in their play, which often reflect what’s on their mind.

Principles of Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT)

PCIT is a highly effective therapy that involves coaching parents in real-time to improve their interactions with their child. One of its core skills is giving positive, specific praise for desired behaviors.

Instead of a generic “Good job,” try being more descriptive. For example, “I love how you shared your blocks with your sister,” or “Thank you for putting your shoes on right when I asked.” This reinforces the positive behavior and shows your child that you are paying attention to their efforts. This focus on positive reinforcement builds their self-esteem and makes them more likely to cooperate.

From Correction to Connection: The Takeaway

Understanding the “why” behind your child’s behavior is a journey, not a destination. There will still be challenging days and difficult moments. However, by leading with curiosity and empathy, you can transform those challenges into opportunities for growth and connection.

“The goal is not to have a perfectly behaved child, but to raise an emotionally resilient one who knows they have a safe place to land when things get tough,” Greg Comings concludes. When you prioritize understanding the person behind the behavior, you are not just managing a moment, you are building a relationship that will last a lifetime.